I had to tell my therapist that I haven’t been taking my meds today. I wasn’t looking forward to it. Surprisingly, she took it rather well, especially when I explained the side affects I was having. I think it helped that I have a med appointment on Monday and only have a weekend to get through. I know that’s all that’s keeping me going right now. I’m having major manic mood swings. I have been talking really fast and stumbling over words because my mind is racing. I am happy and okay one minute and annoyed and pissed off the next. And a few minutes later it switches again. I can’t stand this.
She told me today that I do a very good job at talking about everyone and everything but myself. I will admit that I do go off on tangents from time to time, but it’s all about things affecting me right now. For example, we were talking about how I withdrawal to get through the hard things. I shut myself off from the pain (ha I try). But we were talking about how I can be blunt and direct and even mean when someone pisses me off, unless they are someone I care about. Then I walk over glass to keep from hurting their feelings and to hell with mine. She told me she’s surprised I can even care about people with as shut off as I am and I proceeded to tell her what I feel saved me from total lack of feeling. It was the birth of my cousin when I was 11. He became the center of my world for many years and in fact, I mothered him more than his own mother did. It took me a few minutes to detail the relationship between my cousin and I, but I don’t feel like I wasn’t talking about myself. I was talking about a relationship in my life that made a difference to me, my responses to that relationship, and how that relationship has stayed with me. So even though I talked about my cousin and things in his life, they all affected me and are a part of me. I’m a very complex person, if I do say so myself.
As usual, though, I left therapy feeling more than a little drained and beat up. Song on the radio made me cry…The Climb, Miley Cyrus. “The struggles I’m facing, the chances I’m taking…sometimes might knock me down, but no I’m not breaking–and I, I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on.” Yep I was bawling. Then my husband called.
The cows got out and he got someone to go get the kids from the bus stop, he didn’t know when he would be home, he was on his way to the farm. This set me off. I was depending on him. I needed him to get the kids and be there to support me when I got home. Therapy is hard and I need some support to get my feet beneath me after it’s over. He’s not the only one who can go chase cows around, get this, a fenced in field.
First he set up for my elderly neighbor who had a stroke 6 or so years ago and has very little balance to walk to the bus stop to get the kids. Great, just what I need. My neighbor who already expects so much from me to fall and hurt herself getting my kids from the bus. But then, the cousin I babysit for said she could get them. Of course, she’s a busy as everyone else and made it to the bus stop just as the bus did. Then I get home, have to get my daughter ready for dance, get my son bundled back up and head to the bank to get the money to pay the tuition for dance. I have to leave in about 5 minutes to go pick her up…I’m going to have to bundle my son up again and head out. I needed him and I feel really let down right now.
We’re getting McDonald’s for dinner tonight. I’m done. Can’t handle anything more right now. I’m just done. Why can’t someone just take care of me or put me first once in a while? It’s bad, because I know he does try to take care of me but at this moment I just feel let down.