Project Hate Myself Less–day who knows 

I thought I had been making progress.  It’s year end and quarterly tax filing time at work, so I’ve been extremely busy even though the shop is in the slow season. I have even managed to leave it at work (or only work from home during work hours).  Money has been tight, but I was making it all work.  I had even found something to do that I enjoyed, was productive, and didn’t take me from my family and duties.

Except there was the problem.  I have been sorting and cataloging a trading card game I enjoy collecting and playing.  I have about 3,000 cards so I had a card table and two tv trays set up around my chair in the living room.  Three days.  I was half done, feeling a sense of accomplishment, keeping my mind busy.  The t.v. trays were only up for one evening.  My husband saw them and had a fit.  I was taking up the whole living room (really about a third).  Why didn’t  i take down the Christmas tree first?  How could I just take up the room?  He’d never be able to do that.  He’s not even able to keep his exercise bike in the living room.  (Forget the fact that I took an entire day to make a space that was only a few feet from the living room to store it, and he carries it in every day while he takes over the entire downstairs to exercize.)

I caved to him.  I put all of my stuff away, ruining days of work.  Yes, I’ll fight and argue, some would even say I’m standing up for myself, but I’m not.  He got what he wanted, he won’t be inconvienced.  

Once again, I have nothing.  He says find something out of the house.  Well he has judo Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning when he’s off work and not at a DYD class.  The kids have activities Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  Yes, he helps transport, but it takes both of us to make sure homework is complete, they are fed, and get them to where they need to be.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s me I really hate, or if it’s the me I become in reaction to him.

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Project Hate Myself Less-Day Two

I don’t know if it was writing all my thoughts and feelings out or just the act of acknowledging how I feel about myself and taking responsibility for changing it, but something is different.

Last night I was able to work with both of my children on homework, and do so with patience.  There was no yelling, and only manageable frustration.  Compared to the day before, this was amazing.  I hope it’s a change I can maintain, as it’s probably one of the most important things to me, but I’m just going to take it day by day.

I still drank way too much soda.  I feel like I’m subsiding on nicotine and caffeine.  You’d think I’d be thinner.  I only ate one meal, dinner.  I had a burger and some cheesy rice.  I watched portions, but I was satisfied.  I didn’t snack later.  I know one meal per day is not a healthy diet, but it’s probably one of the most difficult things for me to change.  If I get busy, the first thing that goes is my meal time.  You’d really think I’d be thinner.

Sleep.  Probably one of the biggest issues for anyone with bipolar disorder.  Yes, we can function on less sleep, but it’s much more harmful to  us than to a normal person who just gets tired and rundown.  Lack of sleep actually affects our mental state.  I have been sleeping about two – three hours at night and catching a one – two hour nap right after work (I only work until 1 -2 PM).  I did nap yesterday, from about 2 – 4.  However, last night I fell asleep at 9:30.  My son was already in bed, my husband had left for work.  My daughter, bless her, just took herself to bed and didn’t wake me.  I slept the entire night until nearly 8 AM.  My husband took my daughter to school at 7 so that I could sleep a little later.

I’m off work today, so I should be doing laundry, cleaning the house, and starting early prep for dinner as it’s a busy activity night with both dance and judo.  However, I think I’m going to take some time for myself and maybe play a video game or watch a program or read a book.  Maybe I’ll watch a program and color something from one my adult coloring books.  So many options and the housework will still be there later.

I need to figure out how I can increase my activity level.  I’ve never been one to exercise much, going to the gym is out of the question.  I used to dance, and I absolutely loved my ballet and jazz classes.  Unfortunately, the studio I went to discontinued adult classes because of lack of interest.  I don’t know if I have the willpower to do anything at home on my own.  I guess time will tell, once I figure out how I’m going to accomplish this goal.

As all things, the first couple of days are the easiest.  I’m not holding my breath that things will continue with this level of positivity and success.  For anyone wondering, this is not a New Year’s resolution or anything like that.  I need to make permanent life changes that have nothing to do with vowing to be a better person because we had to remove one calendar and put up a new one.  I think that’s silly.  If we see something that we need to change in ourselves, it shouldn’t require a calendar to get us started.  Personal responsibility is a year-round thing.

Project Hate Myself Less–Day One

So after the incident last night, I have come to the conclusion that I need to do something.  I already posted a pledge to write (daily if I can), and to try to find ways to change the things about myself that I hate.  I’m not going to rehash everything I talked about last night, instead I want to focus on day one.

DAY ONE

Things I think I need to accomplish to hate myself less:

  1.  Lose weight.  I have put on about 15 pounds recently, and I wasn’t small to begin with.  Add into the fact that my husband has lost over 100 pounds this last year.  I feel pretty bad about my appearance.  I’m not a shallow person, in fact, I have accepted the fact that I will never be thin, but something has to change.  I plan to do this by:
    • Cutting out soda again.  I’m drinking it way too much.
    • Watching portion sizes at meal times.
    • Avoiding nighttime snacking.
    • Increasing my activity level.
  2. Do something small for myself each day.  This does not mean nap.  Right now, naps are essential for survival.  I need to find one small thing that is just for me.  A half an hour to read a book, time to write on the blog, paint a picture, color a picture, take a hot bath.  This does not mean wait until midnight and find time for me.  I need to find a moment in the evening for myself.  Everyone relies on me for everything, but I’m not going to be able to provide anything if I don’t start taking care of myself.  (This is going to be so hard, and I’m sure I will fail more than once.)
  3. Put myself in time out.  Before a situation becomes so out of control that I cannot think before speaking, I’m giving myself permission to go to time out.  If that means that homework has to wait or dinner is late, so be it.
  4. Stop worrying so much about money and the months to come.  Yes, we are in the slow season for my business.  No, my paychecks are not regular.  Yes, we have some major expenses coming up in the next six or seven months.  There is nothing I can do to change any of those things.  I have to trust that I have planned and prepped to the best of my ability and let it go.  Worrying will not change anything except my state of mind.
  5. Sleep at night.  I need to adjust my sleep patterns.  Two hours of sleep a night is not helping me.  It may take chemical help for a few days, but I have to start sleeping at night for a normal length of time.  I work during the day.  I’m with my family in the evening.  I have to have the energy to do what’s needed and to maybe not be so miserable while doing it.
  6. Forgive myself when I fail.  None of this is going to be easy, and following through is a tough spot for someone with bipolar disorder.  I have to accept the failures and not let them cripple me.  It’s okay for everyone else to human, therefore it needs to be okay for me to be human.

Okay.  I think that’s enough for now.  These are goals to work towards.  They are not going to happen on day one, but I’m trying.