What Do I Admire Within Myself?

In a response to my last post, I was asked what I admire within myself.  I hate answering this question, because honestly I am not my biggest fan.  But as I tell my daughter, you are the best you there ever was and ever will be.  So love yourself.  So I’m going to take my own advice and I’m going to answer that question.

1.  I am loyal.  If I love you, I will fight for you until my last breath.  I will never leave you.

2.  I am creative.  I love to write.  I love to paint.  I love to design things.  (I don’t even care if I don’t do these things well.  They give me joy.)

3.  I care about others.  I don’t like it when people around me hurt.  I want to take away the hurt and fix everything.  (Sometimes I care too much and this is not such a good quality.)

4.  I can see the good and the bad of those I love.  Just because I love you and will fight for you right or wrong, doesn’t mean I’m blind to the fact that you are human and therefore are not perfect.  And I’m okay with that, because I’m not perfect either.

5.  I am a good mother.  My children mean the world to me.  There is nothing I would give for them or do for them, no person I would not gladly kill for looking at them wrong.  Predators beware, my children will not be your victim!

6.  I am not a quitter.  Even though things are hard, and they might knock me down, I have yet to not get back up.

Okay, next post will be things I dislike about myself.  Hopefully that list will be shorter than this one.

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Question Revised

First, thanks for responding to my last post.  I really appreciate you guys taking the time to tell me I’m not completely nuts here. 🙂  But after I read the comments, I went back and reread what I had written.  And I realized that I didn’t ask the right questions.  Or maybe I did and your responses brought out the real issue for me.  I don’t know.  I don’t currently have a therapist to talk with so I’m trying to work all of this junk out on my own.

I do get that if I am uncomfortable with the way someone touches me, regardless of their intentions, that it is okay to make then back off and respect my space.  And truthfully, most of the time, I do not have a problem with casual touching.  In fact, as I am coming to terms with some of the things that happened to me (at least a little bit), I find myself initiating the touching, even just a pat on the arm or a quick hug.

My confusion is coming in where the touches have an intimate feel to them.  I don’t know what the intentions were, but the people doing the touching have only ever been friends (yes I am talking about more than one man).  I use the word intimate because I don’t want to say sexual because that seems to casual.  It almost felt proprietary, like a caress…I don’t know.  I didn’t feel threatened or harassed, just confused.

I guess I’m really questioning myself here.  Am I making too much of something that is normal and normal, unabused people would think nothing of?

Question

So there is a question brought to the forefront of my mind given recent events.  I’ve wondered about it for a long time, although it’s not something I dwell on.

What is normal touching between friends of the opposite sex?  I don’t mean hugging a friend when you see him or her.  I mean like passing behind you in a close space and putting his hands on your hips.  Is that normal?  Do people really do that kind of stuff innocently?  Or throwing an arm over your shoulders and pulling you close in “teasing” manner?

I can say when this has happened, I haven’t been particularly uncomfortable or threatened by it…so long as I have some trust for the person doing it.  But it just seems strange to me.  Growing up where every touch or look was sexual may have skewed my thinking and thus I am questioning.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?

After I got the kids on the bus today and went into work and had my meeting, I came home and decided to take a nap.  The weekends I work I never sleep well and I’m always tired on Monday.  Well, today I wish I would have just stayed tired.

I had a very disturbing dream and it just keeps playing over and over in my mind.  It wasn’t disturbing in the horror movie type way or even the flashback of abuse type way.  I had a sex dream about one of my best friend’s husband. ~~shudders~~  We are so close to these people that we are practically family.  My husband and I have played cards with them, our kids play together.  Two of their daughters just spent the weekend here.  Despite all of this, he has a sociopath personality and even without the other factors would not be someone I would choose to be involved with.

In the dream, our families were on some kind of vacation together.  I’m not sure where, I can’t place the scenery now that I’m awake.  Thankfully the sum of the sexual content of the dream was a kiss, minor ass grabbing, and grinding (with clothes on).  I think even my subconscious mind doesn’t even want to imagine him naked.  The whole dream seemed to revolve around us finding ways to be alone so that we could finally “do it.”  Thank God I woke up before that happened.

But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?  Who dreams about a friend’s husband?  Who dreams about a man she doesn’t even particularly like?  It’s enough to make me not want to go back to sleep.

I’m Still Hanging In There

I just realized how long it’s been since I’ve posted and thought I’d drop a line to let everyone know that I’m still around.  I have been so insanely busy between the kids’ activities and working the weekends and trying to get ready for the holidays…. But, excuses suck, so I wanted to write even a little.

I haven’t been back to therapy.  I did not like the new therapist they assigned me after mine retired.  She was really flighty and I can only stand so much of that.  I also think I felt (feel) betrayed by the therapist I was seeing.  She was the first therapist that I really felt like I was making  progress with, the first one to really address the issues of my abuse.  When she got injured, I declined to see another therapist because they had a return to work date for her.  When that got pushed out, I still waited.  Then one day out of the blue, they called me and told me she decided to retire.  Now I know this is stupid and selfish, she is a person with no obligation to me whatsoever, but I can’t help but feel deserted.  She was the only therapist I couldn’t bullshit.  She saw right through me.  And she just quit on me.

I’d really like to have her around to talk to right now.  There is so much going on, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it.  I can’t even talk about it, but I know she would have pulled it out of me and not let me play these games with myself.

I guess my hanging in there is wishful thinking or me fooling myself.

Thinking About Sex

I haven’t slept in about 20 hours so this may not make much sense, but I’m going to go for it anyway.  After reading another blog last night I have been plagued by the question as to why there is so much guilt when it comes to sex.

As a sexual abuse survivor I carry guilt (and I am getting better about letting that go) with me because I did not stop what was happening to me.  I know consciously that I was a child and not in control, but because of the head games my grandfather played with me I felt like it was my fault and that I could have stopped it. 

For many years I could perform oral sex but could not stand to have oral sex done to me.  It would cause flashbacks and I would have panic attacks.  I would get very embarrassed by the topic and could not discuss it in any way.  I will say that I have mostly defeated the guilt and shame I associated with oral sex.  Step one, I would say all the words I could think of out loud:  blow job, eating out, sucking cock, carpet munching.  I would say the words over and over again until they were just words with no more significance than apple or door or pizza.  Step two was much harder.  When my husband was performing oral sex on me I had to focus on anything that would distract me from thoughts of what was happening.  I would stare at something on the wall for a while.  I would focus on the feeling in my toes.  I would feel the sheet beneath my body.  Eventually I could allow myself to feel what he was doing to me.  After a while, I realized that it actually felt good.  Now I enjoy it very much.  Don’t get me wrong, this took years of work.  And it was all the more difficult because I kept what I was feeling from my husband.

I have begun, at this point in my life, to feel more comfortable in my own skin.  I care less and less about what others think of me.  I am who I am and, honestly, I’m not so bad…most of the time.  But why all this guilt and shame and embarrassment over things that make our bodies feel good?  Within the last several years I have begun to have fantasies that, at first, made me very uncomfortable.  When I finally worked up the courage to ask my husband how he felt about some of these things, I felt silly for having felt perverted and wrong.  I will be blunt here, because I don’t want anyone imagining something worse than it actually is.  I was curious about anal sex and wanted to give it a try.  I am also interested in trying a threesome, but my husband does not want to do that.  Because I value my marriage so much and I love and respect my husband, I will not push the threesome issue (although it is fun to tease him about it).  Anyway, after trying anal sex and discovering that, in the right mood, I enjoy it, I have to wonder why there is so much guilt associated with it.

There are many things that our culture considers taboo and if you do them, then you are perverted or whatever the choice word of the decade happens to be.  Is this because of morality imposed by organized religion?  Maybe.  Although God made our bodies to enjoy these things, so I personally don’t buy that.  Is it because a group of people (okay so it’s a large group) look down on people who do and enjoy these things?  Probably.  Peer pressure and social standing matter to many.  No one likes to be the recipient of pointed fingers, snickers, and whispers.  Personally, I think if you are in a healthy relationship whatever you do in your bedroom is your business.  As long as it’s consensual, if it feels good, don’t let it make you feel bad later.

Having been sexually abused, I think I was trained to feel horrible after any sexual encounter.  It took years and years before I truly enjoyed sex and I’m just now beginning to be comfortable with my own sexuality and experimentation.  I try to be very open about sex because I feel if it’s kept in the dark that’s like saying it is something to be ashamed of.  And I refuse to be ashamed anymore.  And if I can’t convince myself of that, well I fake it until I believe it.

Okay, I’m not sure how much of that made sense.  Like I said before, I haven’t slept.  But it’s just one of those things I wanted to put out there.

Oh, and one other thing.  I have learned how to tell my husband “no” when I’m not in the mood.  I can do it without guilt.  He loves me for myself and not for the sex I give him.  That one took a loooooong time, but I am a stronger person for it.

Why People Irritate Me!

I think I’ve said it on here before, but in case I haven’t…self-pity is an emotion I do my very best to stay away from.  I don’t find it productive at all and usually it brings me down in a very bad way.  That being said, certain people in my life are driving me up the wall with their self-pity, whiny bullshit.

A friend’s husband is, yet again, getting involved with another woman.  This has been traced via his cell-phone.  She confronted him, again, and he told her that it’s because he wasn’t taught discipline as a child.  He has always been allowed to do whatever he wants and he doesn’t know how to control himself.  What utter garbage.  The truth is, he’s a selfish cheater.  He is too cowardly to just be a man and say he isn’t happy and leave.  And honestly, who could blame him for not wanting to leave.  She takes care of everything, all he does is bring home a paycheck.

In any event, she’s talking to me about this situation tonight and she says she doesn’t understand why he doesn’t change his behavior.  She doesn’t know how to make him change.  I stopped her right there and kinda yelled at her.  After what I’ve been through with my mom, I know you can’t force change on anyone.  You can’t make people grow up, you can’t make people be responsible, you can’t make people love you, and you can’t make anyone change.  I had to stop myself there because I am her friend and she is going through a tough time.  It just makes me nauseous that she lets him continue to do this with no repercussions.  She gives him the cold shoulder, she argues with him, but geeze this isn’t the first time (or even the second) that he’s done something like this.  At one point she found naked pictures of him on their computer…actually I found them when I was helping her clean out her computer to use for her business.  This led to a little digging and she found his account on adult friend finder or something like that.  I think this is the fourth or fifth time he’s pulled something like this, but she never takes action.  At one point they went to counseling but they were at the wrong type of counselor because she wanted to see him alone and began to focus on his relationship with his mother.  I understand that the dynamic between a husband and wife has a lot to do with your relationship with your parents, but when you are cheating I think both partners need to be actively participating in counseling and focusing on current behaviors not old resentments of a mother who may not have been the best, but is far from the worst.

Anyway, the self-pity that she’s wallowing in is driving me up a wall.  If she’s not going to take action, why does she keep trying to find out what he’s up to!  What’s the freaking point!

Sorry to all who read this.  I didn’t mean to rant, but I had to get this off my chest before I talk to her again or I might say something that will damage our friendship.  I don’t want that.  I do love her and care about her, but I’m up to my eyeballs trying to handle my day-to-day life and she’s making me nuts.