Project Hate Myself Less-Day Two

I don’t know if it was writing all my thoughts and feelings out or just the act of acknowledging how I feel about myself and taking responsibility for changing it, but something is different.

Last night I was able to work with both of my children on homework, and do so with patience.  There was no yelling, and only manageable frustration.  Compared to the day before, this was amazing.  I hope it’s a change I can maintain, as it’s probably one of the most important things to me, but I’m just going to take it day by day.

I still drank way too much soda.  I feel like I’m subsiding on nicotine and caffeine.  You’d think I’d be thinner.  I only ate one meal, dinner.  I had a burger and some cheesy rice.  I watched portions, but I was satisfied.  I didn’t snack later.  I know one meal per day is not a healthy diet, but it’s probably one of the most difficult things for me to change.  If I get busy, the first thing that goes is my meal time.  You’d really think I’d be thinner.

Sleep.  Probably one of the biggest issues for anyone with bipolar disorder.  Yes, we can function on less sleep, but it’s much more harmful to  us than to a normal person who just gets tired and rundown.  Lack of sleep actually affects our mental state.  I have been sleeping about two – three hours at night and catching a one – two hour nap right after work (I only work until 1 -2 PM).  I did nap yesterday, from about 2 – 4.  However, last night I fell asleep at 9:30.  My son was already in bed, my husband had left for work.  My daughter, bless her, just took herself to bed and didn’t wake me.  I slept the entire night until nearly 8 AM.  My husband took my daughter to school at 7 so that I could sleep a little later.

I’m off work today, so I should be doing laundry, cleaning the house, and starting early prep for dinner as it’s a busy activity night with both dance and judo.  However, I think I’m going to take some time for myself and maybe play a video game or watch a program or read a book.  Maybe I’ll watch a program and color something from one my adult coloring books.  So many options and the housework will still be there later.

I need to figure out how I can increase my activity level.  I’ve never been one to exercise much, going to the gym is out of the question.  I used to dance, and I absolutely loved my ballet and jazz classes.  Unfortunately, the studio I went to discontinued adult classes because of lack of interest.  I don’t know if I have the willpower to do anything at home on my own.  I guess time will tell, once I figure out how I’m going to accomplish this goal.

As all things, the first couple of days are the easiest.  I’m not holding my breath that things will continue with this level of positivity and success.  For anyone wondering, this is not a New Year’s resolution or anything like that.  I need to make permanent life changes that have nothing to do with vowing to be a better person because we had to remove one calendar and put up a new one.  I think that’s silly.  If we see something that we need to change in ourselves, it shouldn’t require a calendar to get us started.  Personal responsibility is a year-round thing.


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