So after the incident last night, I have come to the conclusion that I need to do something. I already posted a pledge to write (daily if I can), and to try to find ways to change the things about myself that I hate. I’m not going to rehash everything I talked about last night, instead I want to focus on day one.
Things I think I need to accomplish to hate myself less:
- Lose weight. I have put on about 15 pounds recently, and I wasn’t small to begin with. Add into the fact that my husband has lost over 100 pounds this last year. I feel pretty bad about my appearance. I’m not a shallow person, in fact, I have accepted the fact that I will never be thin, but something has to change. I plan to do this by:
- Cutting out soda again. I’m drinking it way too much.
- Watching portion sizes at meal times.
- Avoiding nighttime snacking.
- Increasing my activity level.
- Do something small for myself each day. This does not mean nap. Right now, naps are essential for survival. I need to find one small thing that is just for me. A half an hour to read a book, time to write on the blog, paint a picture, color a picture, take a hot bath. This does not mean wait until midnight and find time for me. I need to find a moment in the evening for myself. Everyone relies on me for everything, but I’m not going to be able to provide anything if I don’t start taking care of myself. (This is going to be so hard, and I’m sure I will fail more than once.)
- Put myself in time out. Before a situation becomes so out of control that I cannot think before speaking, I’m giving myself permission to go to time out. If that means that homework has to wait or dinner is late, so be it.
- Stop worrying so much about money and the months to come. Yes, we are in the slow season for my business. No, my paychecks are not regular. Yes, we have some major expenses coming up in the next six or seven months. There is nothing I can do to change any of those things. I have to trust that I have planned and prepped to the best of my ability and let it go. Worrying will not change anything except my state of mind.
- Sleep at night. I need to adjust my sleep patterns. Two hours of sleep a night is not helping me. It may take chemical help for a few days, but I have to start sleeping at night for a normal length of time. I work during the day. I’m with my family in the evening. I have to have the energy to do what’s needed and to maybe not be so miserable while doing it.
- Forgive myself when I fail. None of this is going to be easy, and following through is a tough spot for someone with bipolar disorder. I have to accept the failures and not let them cripple me. It’s okay for everyone else to human, therefore it needs to be okay for me to be human.
Okay. I think that’s enough for now. These are goals to work towards. They are not going to happen on day one, but I’m trying.