Everyday is a Struggle

Every single day, I feel the struggle to determine if what I’m feeling is normal or if it is a bipolar reaction.  Every action, every emotion, every word has to be analyzed on the spot so that I don’t make an ass of myself or worse.  Let me tell you, it’s exhausting–not to mention nearly impossible.

How can I determine if something is “normal,” when I don’t know what normal is?  Have I ever been normal?  Most of my adult life I have watched others and thought that they were so much more grown up than me.  I have felt inferior (I don’t anymore), and like I didn’t have it together.  I think I know now that everyone is wearing a mask, and no one really feels like they have it all under control.  My mask has gotten so good over the years, that sometimes I even fool myself into believing I’ve got it together.

But then there are days, weeks, months, even years like this one.  When I’m slammed with the fact that I have control over nothing.  It’s a hard thing for me to deal with, that loss of the imagined control.  On the surface, I seem calm and reasonable (I’ve had several people tell me this in the last few days).  But I know that underneath, there is a storm brewing, threatening to consume me from the inside out.  I can feel the swirling of the hurricane in my gut as it grows larger and larger until, inevitably, I can no longer contain it.

But is that normal?  Since adulthood, this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.  I have been through abuse, therapy, the loss of a child, the loss of jobs, a bipolar diagnosis, and so much more I keep telling myself that as long as I continue to get up and move, then it hasn’t beaten me yet and I’m still strong; but part of me wonders why I always have to be so strong.  Is it defeat if I just say to hell with it all and walk away?  I’ve always thought so, but what the hell do I know?

All I know for sure, is that I’m exhausted by circumstance and then trying to figure out if I’m reacting appropriately to those circumstances.  I’m a big proponent of “life is 10% what happens, 90% how you deal with it,” but lately, I don’t feel like I’m dealing with it all.

As a side note, it worries me that whenever I log in here, I have tons of views on the post titled “Sexual Self Harm.”  I did a search and my post is number 2 in the results, and the first post doesn’t give any information specific to sexual self harm.  If you know of any resources, or places people can look for more specific information, please post them in the comments.  I’m working on a post that will be just places people can go for information and help, but it seems very limited.

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