What Do I Admire Within Myself?

In a response to my last post, I was asked what I admire within myself.  I hate answering this question, because honestly I am not my biggest fan.  But as I tell my daughter, you are the best you there ever was and ever will be.  So love yourself.  So I’m going to take my own advice and I’m going to answer that question.

1.  I am loyal.  If I love you, I will fight for you until my last breath.  I will never leave you.

2.  I am creative.  I love to write.  I love to paint.  I love to design things.  (I don’t even care if I don’t do these things well.  They give me joy.)

3.  I care about others.  I don’t like it when people around me hurt.  I want to take away the hurt and fix everything.  (Sometimes I care too much and this is not such a good quality.)

4.  I can see the good and the bad of those I love.  Just because I love you and will fight for you right or wrong, doesn’t mean I’m blind to the fact that you are human and therefore are not perfect.  And I’m okay with that, because I’m not perfect either.

5.  I am a good mother.  My children mean the world to me.  There is nothing I would give for them or do for them, no person I would not gladly kill for looking at them wrong.  Predators beware, my children will not be your victim!

6.  I am not a quitter.  Even though things are hard, and they might knock me down, I have yet to not get back up.

Okay, next post will be things I dislike about myself.  Hopefully that list will be shorter than this one.

Question Revised

First, thanks for responding to my last post.  I really appreciate you guys taking the time to tell me I’m not completely nuts here. 🙂  But after I read the comments, I went back and reread what I had written.  And I realized that I didn’t ask the right questions.  Or maybe I did and your responses brought out the real issue for me.  I don’t know.  I don’t currently have a therapist to talk with so I’m trying to work all of this junk out on my own.

I do get that if I am uncomfortable with the way someone touches me, regardless of their intentions, that it is okay to make then back off and respect my space.  And truthfully, most of the time, I do not have a problem with casual touching.  In fact, as I am coming to terms with some of the things that happened to me (at least a little bit), I find myself initiating the touching, even just a pat on the arm or a quick hug.

My confusion is coming in where the touches have an intimate feel to them.  I don’t know what the intentions were, but the people doing the touching have only ever been friends (yes I am talking about more than one man).  I use the word intimate because I don’t want to say sexual because that seems to casual.  It almost felt proprietary, like a caress…I don’t know.  I didn’t feel threatened or harassed, just confused.

I guess I’m really questioning myself here.  Am I making too much of something that is normal and normal, unabused people would think nothing of?

Question

So there is a question brought to the forefront of my mind given recent events.  I’ve wondered about it for a long time, although it’s not something I dwell on.

What is normal touching between friends of the opposite sex?  I don’t mean hugging a friend when you see him or her.  I mean like passing behind you in a close space and putting his hands on your hips.  Is that normal?  Do people really do that kind of stuff innocently?  Or throwing an arm over your shoulders and pulling you close in “teasing” manner?

I can say when this has happened, I haven’t been particularly uncomfortable or threatened by it…so long as I have some trust for the person doing it.  But it just seems strange to me.  Growing up where every touch or look was sexual may have skewed my thinking and thus I am questioning.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?

After I got the kids on the bus today and went into work and had my meeting, I came home and decided to take a nap.  The weekends I work I never sleep well and I’m always tired on Monday.  Well, today I wish I would have just stayed tired.

I had a very disturbing dream and it just keeps playing over and over in my mind.  It wasn’t disturbing in the horror movie type way or even the flashback of abuse type way.  I had a sex dream about one of my best friend’s husband. ~~shudders~~  We are so close to these people that we are practically family.  My husband and I have played cards with them, our kids play together.  Two of their daughters just spent the weekend here.  Despite all of this, he has a sociopath personality and even without the other factors would not be someone I would choose to be involved with.

In the dream, our families were on some kind of vacation together.  I’m not sure where, I can’t place the scenery now that I’m awake.  Thankfully the sum of the sexual content of the dream was a kiss, minor ass grabbing, and grinding (with clothes on).  I think even my subconscious mind doesn’t even want to imagine him naked.  The whole dream seemed to revolve around us finding ways to be alone so that we could finally “do it.”  Thank God I woke up before that happened.

But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?  Who dreams about a friend’s husband?  Who dreams about a man she doesn’t even particularly like?  It’s enough to make me not want to go back to sleep.

I’m Still Hanging In There

I just realized how long it’s been since I’ve posted and thought I’d drop a line to let everyone know that I’m still around.  I have been so insanely busy between the kids’ activities and working the weekends and trying to get ready for the holidays…. But, excuses suck, so I wanted to write even a little.

I haven’t been back to therapy.  I did not like the new therapist they assigned me after mine retired.  She was really flighty and I can only stand so much of that.  I also think I felt (feel) betrayed by the therapist I was seeing.  She was the first therapist that I really felt like I was making  progress with, the first one to really address the issues of my abuse.  When she got injured, I declined to see another therapist because they had a return to work date for her.  When that got pushed out, I still waited.  Then one day out of the blue, they called me and told me she decided to retire.  Now I know this is stupid and selfish, she is a person with no obligation to me whatsoever, but I can’t help but feel deserted.  She was the only therapist I couldn’t bullshit.  She saw right through me.  And she just quit on me.

I’d really like to have her around to talk to right now.  There is so much going on, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it.  I can’t even talk about it, but I know she would have pulled it out of me and not let me play these games with myself.

I guess my hanging in there is wishful thinking or me fooling myself.