Life Is Out to Get Me

There has been so much going on lately that I have been too overwhelmed to post. I don’t think I can even go into it on here in any kind of depth.

Let me start with the fact that a child I know is now in a children’s psychiatric hospital because he was molested by his father and then he, in turn, molested his brother. I don’t even know if he knows that what he did was wrong. He’s only 7 and he’s autistic. This has been the major issue eating at me. On top of that, or maybe it’s because of that, small things are becoming triggers for me. My husband bought a blue dress shirt, I was there when he bought it. It wasn’t my favorite but it wasn’t until I saw him in it that I realized why. It looked very much like my grandfather’s uniform shirts. I now hate that shirt. He asked me if he should stop wearing it and I told him no. I would deal. It’s just a shirt, right?

My therapist is now on leave indefinitely.  Her shoulder is not healing properly.  So they started me with a new therapist this week.  I hate her.  She’s wishy-washy and seems very weak.  To be fair, I’m sure she’s overloaded with extra patients right now trying to assimilate another therapists patients.  But she looked at me and said I seemed very strong and like I had a good handle on things and she wasn’t sure I even needed therapy.  When I told my husband this, he looked at me and said “no offense honey, but you DO need therapy.”  Well no shit.  I’m going to give her a couple of visits, but if she doesn’t get any better I’m not seeing her anymore.  I’m not going to pay a therapist and then lead her by the hand to help me.  It doesn’t make sense.

This puberty thing is really rearing its ugly head.  My daughter, who will not be 9 until June, is definitely show PMS symptoms and moodiness.  Yesterday she was in such a nasty mood that I was glad looks couldn’t kill.  I asked her what was wrong, what was bugging her and she practically wailed at me that she didn’t know.  PMS at it’s finest I think.

My husband was also in a funk all last week.  It seemed like all he did was yell at my son.  The two are so much alike it makes my heart hurt to watch them at each other.  But it got to the point where I was ready to yank my hair out.  My husband and I talked about it and he said he felt like I was always siding with the kids against him and I felt like I had to protect the kids from his temper.  I do want to say upfront though that he would never hurt them physically.  But I felt like he was replaying the emotion abuse he was dealt in his childhood.  I think I got him thinking though and things have been better since our conversation.  I know he loves our kids as much as I do and he doesn’t want to hurt them in any way.  He just hasn’t even begun to deal with what happened to him yet and I think it eats at him subconsciously.  But he does seem more conscious of how he reacts to things since we talked and it has been better around here in that respect.

There has also been a million other small things that would take hours to type out and it just exhausts me to think about it.  So I’m not going to.

What is? What is only perception?

Alone is a state of being by oneself.  Lonely is a state of mind that tells you that you are solitary, singular.  My house is full of life.  I have a husband, two children, two dogs, a cat, a rat, two mice and yet I am so lonely that my heart screams for death to end the misery and pain.  I, of course, while wishing for death to come and end this blackness inside my soul, will not aid death.  I am not suicidal in a traditional sense that I want to kill myself.  I just want the pain to end.  And perhaps selfishly cause pain to those who have hurt me so much.  Although why I think my death would hurt these people is beyond me.

https://invisiblescars.wordpress.com/poetry-2/alone-april-4-2011/