Current Calamities

First, we have had no word from the game commission about my baby bat.  I can only hope that no news is good news.  If it were diseased then surely they would let us know because we obviously have a nest somewhere nearby.  I think about him a lot though.  And I think everyone is right that I do need something to nurture and so my husband and I have discussed getting me a new pet.  I think I’m going to get a pet rat.  They are smart, clean, trainable, and very loving when taken care of properly.

Second, oh the chaos reigns around here.  My husband left for Georgia last night with his step-father to collect his stepbrother’s remains and property.  It was a hard good-bye even though he’s only going to be gone about 3 days.  In the 12 years we’ve been together, married almost 10 of them, we have only been separated once and then he was only two hours away being trained for his job.  My daughter cried herself to sleep last night, but she seems to be doing better today.  We’ve texted and talked throughout the night and today.  But it’s hard to be away from him.

Today, all was going well.  I went to the school for my daughter’s library time.  Things were going normally.  At 3:00 though, all hell broke loose.  I got a call from the school nurse.  There was something lodged in my son’s ear.  He couldn’t come home on the bus and I had to take him to the doc or ER immediately.  I flew to the school and picked up my kids and then zoomed over to the doctor’s office.  On the way to the doctor’s office, my muffler fell off of my van.  I backed up to where it was and used to pillows that were in the van as pot holders because the thing was steaming hot.  We got to the doctor’s office, sounding like the van was going to blow up the entire way, and the doctor managed to get the thing out of my son’s ear.  It was a piece of foam rubber.

Back home.  Got my son ready for his dance class and his grandmother came to take him.  Now I have to make my daughter some dinner because she has dance classes from 5:30 to 7:30.

I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.  But, of course, I can’t and I won’t.  Gotta cook and get my daughter to dance.  And then my son will be home and I will cook for him.  And then pick my daughter up from dance, bath the boy, and hopefully get them to bed without too many arguments.

Tomorrow I will take my van over to our mechanic and hopefully he can just put the muffler back on.  I hate to tempt fate, but what else can happen?

Baby Bat

I went to work today at my sister-in-law’s shop.  Same old, same old.  Until we saw a baby bat flopping around on the cement pad outside the front door.  We looked at it for a few minutes and then got a towel and moved it out back to the grass so it at least wouldn’t be run over.

About an hour later a customer comes in and tells us there is a baby bat beside the building.  The darn thing had hopped its way back around.  I kept going back out to look at it and watch it move around.  It was the cutest thing…and I hate bats…and I just couldn’t stop looking at it.  That’s when I saw another baby bat a few feet away, dead.

All of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling that I didn’t want my baby bat to die.  I was ready to put the thing in a box and bring it home and nurse it to life myself.  Not a good idea considering bats are the #1 carrier of rabies and I have two kids who love animals.

I began making phone calls.  First to a wildlife rescue in our area.  They told me that there is something called “White Nose syndrome” going through some of the animals in our area and that I should not touch the bat under any circumstances.  Great, that let out bringing it home.  Then they told me to call the game commission and they would come and get it.  I panicked at this, worried that they would kill it.  The lady was so kind to me and at the end of the call actually thanked me for caring about one of God’s creatures.  I guess that’s when I realized I was acting a little nuts over one little baby bat.  But I didn’t care, and I still don’t.  This baby shouldn’t die.

My sister-in-law took over and called the game commission because I was getting very upset by the whole thing.  A few hours later someone showed up, collected both the live and dead baby bat, promised to call and let us know if it was diseased or not, and told us to call if we saw any more.  The man felt that the bats probably were diseased because they shouldn’t be “out” this early in the year.

I have my fingers crossed that they aren’t just going to kill it.  I NEED that baby bat to live.  If it dies from nature or from a disease it got in nature, well so be it.  I guess.  But if some human influence steps in and just kills the poor thing before it has a chance to live…bat or not that is murder.

So I guess the whole point of this post is this…why am I reacting so strongly to a baby bat?  I hate bats.  They freak me out.  But I didn’t hate this bat, and I don’t understand why.

Hidden

This poem is inspired by a friend’s courageous struggle to heal and be supportive of others in their healing as well.  She’s stronger than she thinks she is and she brings me hope everyday.

what i remember

what i feel

i’ve tried to pretend

but it’s all too real

secrets hidden

far from view

revealed one by one

i don’t want it to be true

pain inflicted

once to my body, now to my mind

buried so deep

rising to the surface, relief I can’t find

i feel battered

under attack

coming from inside

i can’t fight back

i feel the pain

like it’s happening today

the hurt and the anguish

just won’t go away

this nightmare i’m living

i wish it away

courage and hope

always by my side I pray

Just Feeling Dumpy

I just feel down.  I don’t know why.  There isn’t anything specific.  My husband and I had a great night out last Friday.  He got me tickets to the ballet and it was wonderful.  We stopped on the way home and had a drink.  It was a great night.  The weekend was really busy, but what else is new.  Still dealing with the death of his step-brother, but everyone is holding up amazingly well.  He was really good to me today.  He bought me a really sweet, sappy Valentine’s card and a beautiful necklace with an amethyst stone.  Purple is my favorite color.  We got take out for dinner and he wasn’t angry when I dosed off after we ate.  I seem to have picked up some virus or something and I’m having some stomach problems.

I just don’t know why I feel so yicky.  And, yes, I believe yicky is the technical term.  I hate feeling like this.  This is how I have felt for most of my life and it really sucks.  It’s like what’s the point?  Why bother getting dressed?  Why bother cleaning the house?  Why bother eating or showering or doing anything?

I am still doing all of those things of course.  I have two children who depend on me to be a good mother.  And come hell or high water I’m going to do it.  I paste a smile on my face and for the times I’m at school being the library mom or the school party mom I don’t feel so yicky.  But when I’m done, I feel more tired and yicky than before. 

~~okay, I’m not usually so much of a self-pity kind of person.  I hate that this post is that way.  I’m going to post it anyway though because it’s how I feel right now and if I’m ever going to get rid of this feeling I need to address it and deal with it.  And when I’m feeling better I can come back and read this and maybe make some sense out of it.~~

More Tragedy

We found out yesterday that my husband’s step-brother committed suicide.  We haven’t seen or talked to him in like 10 years, but my husband is still taking it very hard.  And despite my anxiety attacks and issues right now, give me a crisis and I will rally.  So we spent the evening playing board games and watching movies…distraction goes a long way in avoiding falling into depression.

What Haunts Me?

It’s not the abuse that haunts me, at least not for the most part.  I remember most things so I don’t very often have memory recovery issues.  I do have issues with flashbacks from time to time, but I’ve been dealing with them for years and have learned how to push them away…for the most part.  I don’t have a lot of triggers that send me spiralling and I try to avoid the ones I know about.  Something that I just realized is a trigger recently is long toenails, but I’ve avoided that for a long time because it’s always creeped me out and left me feeling uneasy.  So all of these things that typically cause issues for abuse survivors, right now, are not my problem.  Well, to be honest, they are probably the root of my problems.  But the bigger issues are the symptoms of these things.

I have been blaming the bipolar and new medication, but I don’t think that’s it.  I think I’m just so fucking stressed out my body, mind, and soul cannot handle one more thing.  My anxiety attacks have been coming more and more frequently and they are getting more and more severe.  I can’t seem to get anything accomplished and I keep hearing how lazy I am over and over in my head.  My sleep cycle is messed up again due to wonderful insomnia.  I feel like if I don’t get out of this house soon I’m going to start smashing things.  And I can’t understand why everyone has to yell all the time.  My kids yell at each other and fight.  My husband yells at my kids.  It makes me want to tear my hair out.  I find myself rocking back and forth with my hands over my ears when the yelling is going on.  And five minutes after, they’re all fine and happy and wonderful and I’m full of chaos and swirling emotions and feel like my  head is about to explode.

I have been taking more and more of the anti-anxiety medication I’ve been prescribed.  My doc gave me three a day, but I only take them when I need them.  I went months without taking one, even almost forgetting that I had them.  In the past week I’ve taken them at least once a day.  I don’t think I can blame this on the bipolar.  Cabin fever is normal this time of year and the lack of motivation can be attributed to slight depression due to that, but these anxiety attacks are something else altogether.  So what is it that’s causing them?  I know what’s triggering them, but what is the cause?  It doesn’t make sense to me.  I hate when I can’t figure things out.

My therapist once told me I intellectualize to avoid dealing with emotions.  Well damn it I wish I could intellectualize these attacks and then maybe the emotions that are causing them would go away!

War Zone

hiding in a corner

in the dark of my mind

from the noise, from the pain

that makes me blind

screams tear through my head

shouts so loud

i try to block it

but i can’t keep it out

i live in a war zone

with brief moments of peace

seeking the cease-fire

that will bring my relief

but the storm always returns

and continues to rage

and here i sit

locked within a cage

is it the struggle within

that makes it so hard

to handle the battle with out

and lower my guard

i can never cry

and i can never weep

just bash my head

and pray for blissful sleep