Chaos and No Motivation

First I want to say thanks to everyone who has been concerned about my absence and apologize for not responding quicker.  My life has been jumbled and the meds work about 3/4 of the time.  My sleep has been better.  I’m getting a solid 7 to 8 hours every night (except Saturday night when insomnia took over).

The uncle I talked about in earlier posts, he told my mother I stole her coins and sold them, was in the hospital.  He has lupus and a multitude of other complications.  They found out several weeks ago that he was diabetic and his doctor prescribed him medication for it.  We’re not sure yet if she wrote the prescription wrong or if the nurse who filled it got it wrong, but he was overdosed.  They gave him twice the amount he should have had.  It basically poisoned him.  It nearly killed him.  It took almost a week, but it got to the point where an ambulance had to take him to the ER.  It took three days before he could sit up and eat any food.  At the hospital they began injecting him with insulin instead of the pills and they gave him the correct amount.  He’s home now.

After losing my friend just a few weeks ago when we had just began talking again after two years, when I heard he was in the hospital it scared me.  I had to put things into perspective and decide if it was important that he lied to my mother about me or if it was more important that my uncle know that I love him regardless of his stupidity.  I decided it was more important that he know I love him.

I spent several hours each day with him at the hospital.  And I think this really scared him as well.  He’s so tired of the pain and uselessness he feels that he would rather die than go through it anymore, but at the same time he’s got a fighting spirit and at 42 he doesn’t want his life to be over.  Either way, every day when I went he told me he loved me and reached for me for a hug.  Prior to this, my uncle has said he loved me exactly twice.

But all of this added to the chaos that is my life.  And now that this situation seems to have settled down somewhat I feel wiped out and drained.  I have no motivation to get up and do anything.  I have been going through the motions, doing what I have to, but Id rather just lay here and stare off into space.  I’m just so tired, not sleepy but tired.

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This Yo-Yo is Making Me Nauseous

Up one minute, down the next. 

I have been manic and happy, very unusual for me.  I kinda liked it.  I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing and joking.  I haven’t experienced that before.  But then something small happens and I’m down and ready to cry.  I can’t handle conflict.  Yesterday was really bad at one point with the chaos of after school and getting ready for dance classes etc. and I found myself hiding in my laundry room gripping handfuls of hair trying to shut it all out.

For two weeks I’ve been fighting this stomach bug and some days I’ve been fine and others I’ve been really sick.  I don’t know if this is really a bug or a product of the bi polar.  Alternately, I don’t know if the medication isn’t working or if these mood swings are the product of this bug.

What I do know is that this up and down is killing me.  I can’t stand this.  I’ve always hated roller coasters and watching yo-yos gives me motion sickness.

Weird Habit

So not enough reasons to think I’m completely nuts?  Well here’s another one.  Even I think this makes me more than just a little abnormal and normally I would keep it to myself.  But it seemed kinda significant today so I think I need to write about it.

I have this thing about feet.  I always notice a person’s shoes or feet immediately.  Why?  Hell if I know.  Baby feet are so cute and I nibbled my children’s toes and blew raspberries on the soles of their feet.  But I can barely look at them now.  My son’s feet are still small enough to be somewhat cute, but my daughter’s have gone into “creep me out” mode.  Not that there is anything wrong with her feet, there isn’t.  They are perfectly normal.  But feet just creep me out.

Mostly it’s the toenails.  I can’t stand long toenails.  I can’t stand normal length toenails.  And here is where my weird habit kicks in.  Most people clip their toenails as part of normal grooming.  Not me.  I pick them off.  And I make them so short that they bleed and are sore for nearly a week.  And I love that pain.

Last I was messing with my toes and I couldn’t get one.  It frustrated me, but I was breaking my thumb nail trying to get this toenail off.  So I stopped.  Well, sitting in my doctor’s office today (just a routine appointment) I was actually sad that I didn’t have the soreness that comes with ripping that toenail off.  That’s when it occurred to me that this is not a “normal” bad habit, this is really weird.

Now all that being said, my apologies if you’ve wasted a few minutes of your life reading about my strange habits.  Still not sure why I felt compelled to write about it.

Afternoon Update

I survived my gram’s.  A trip to Wal-Mart and one new USB cable later her printer is working.  She did make a really nice lunch for me and the kids.  But I’m so tired now I could cry.  I have also felt nauseous for the past 4 1/2 hours.  I almost wish I would throw up and get it over with.

My kids won’t stop fighting with each other.  I’m glad this is the last day of the four-day weekend.  Unfortunately they’re calling for ice storms tonight and tomorrow morning.  If school is cancelled tomorrow I don’t know what I’ll do to keep from ripping my hair out.

Another note of bad news, I got a call from my therapist’s office.  She’s going to be off until sometime in March.  She fell and broke her arm just before Christmas and has been off ever since.  They told me today that she broke her arm high, near her shoulder and it can’t be casted.  That’s why she’s still off.  She isn’t even allowed to drive.  They offered me to see another therapist, but I really don’t want to get into all of my issues with someone else.  If things get too bad, I will call and go in.  But for now, I’m going to try to stick it out.

Morning Update

Maybe staying up, even though I don’t think I could have gone back to sleep, wasn’t such a good idea.  I’m feeling more than a little irritable.  My husband came in grouchy from work, still annoyed with me.  Although I’d had it with that and told him that even though I hadn’t slept I still got the kids ready and went to church and then got everyone who needed to be there to the kids club outing.  Only then, when I didn’t have any responsibilities left, did I lay down.  I told him he was annoyed because he didn’t get his “attention” and then had to take care of the kids for an evening.  I think he did get over it them, but it pissed me off that I should have to have this argument over and over again.  Staying awake for days on end is not my choice.  Taking sleeping pills is not a great alternative for me because when they work, they hang with me for the next 24 hours.

My annoyance was then compounded by fighting with the turkey breast that I was putting in the crock pot.  Now I know that companies think they’re doing something good when they put the little plastic bags with gravy inside of the turkey.  But when you plan to cook it frozen…ha!  I had to thaw the thing in the microwave for almost 20 minutes (which I hate to do because it starts to cook the outer meat) and then run it under cold water.  I ended up cutting the bag and chipping away at the frozen gravy rock to get the bag out.  I may have gotten the turkey in the crock pot and thereby won the war, but the turkey and the gravy bag won all the battles.

Now I have to get the kids dressed, pack up my laptop, and go to my grandmothers.  Pray for me.

Feeling the Pressure

I was awake for almost 23 hours.  I threw my back out on Friday and compounded it Saturday when I decided to clean the house at 3 am.  I still managed to take the kids to church and get them to the ice skating rink for their kids club outing.  Thankfully I didn’t have to stay with them for that and their grandmother, who runs the kids club, was bringing them home.  Dinner was also included in the outing.

After I made it home from all of that I was working on my 23 hours.  I got my husband up…he worked last night.  I talked to him for a few minutes, told him he had to fend for himself when it came to dinner, and lay on the couch in the hopes of falling asleep.  And what do you know, at roughly 3 pm I fell asleep.

The problem came in when I couldn’t wake up for more than a few minutes at a time.  I couldn’t even sit up.  My back was still aching and every time consciousness came I could feel it.  My husband was annoyed, and I can’t really blame him.  I woke up when the kids came home, but just long enough to ask them about ice skating and then I promptly passed out again.  I don’t remember my husband putting them to bed or leaving for work.  I woke up about 3:30 am and have been up ever since.  I think I’m just going to try to stay up all day and maybe tonight I’ll get some normal sleep in.

The pressure to be awake and to sleep on a proper schedule is making it much harder though.  I lay down and my mind starts to race on all the reasons I have to get sleep and everything I have to do the next day.  Tomorrow I have to go work on my grandmother’s computer and printer and pray I can figure out why they’re not working properly.  I think I have a doctor appointment, but I don’t know which doctor and what time.  My kids are off school so everywhere I do, they go.  I may have to babysit at some point tomorrow, but that’s not a for sure thing.  It’s a holiday so I can’t go pay the mortgage until Tuesday.  I have to do my neighbor’s taxes sometime this week, she brought her information over today.

We finally got our Christmas decorations down and I got the house cleaned up.  We switched from cable for out tv, phone, and internet to Verizon and direct tv over the weekend.  What a mess that was!  I had to buy a new router for our internet because we have four computers and we needed a slot for the direct tv and the damn thing wouldn’t work with the Verizon.  It took me almost 11 hours to get the internet up and working properly and all of the computers and the direct tv responding.  Then I still had to set up email accounts.

It’s all little things, but if you pile the lightest sheets of paper on top of someone eventually it’s going to get heavy…eventually it’s going to crush.  And while I’m not being completely crushed yet, I am definitely feeling the pressure.

Nights Are Bad For Me

It’s 1:30 am and I’m awake.  I didn’t take a sleeping pill tonight because it didn’t work last night.  It didn’t kick in until afternoon and I can’t have that.  But nights have always been bad for me.  It started, I think, around the time we moved in with my grandparents and the abuse got ramped up to an almost daily basis.

Now I’m not saying that it had anything to do with my abuse, although I think at least some of it does.  But for the most part, I wasn’t abused at night.  That actually only happened a few times and I think keeping myself awake began before any of those incidents.  It could, in part, be that I finally saw my father beat my mother and that caused sleepless nights.

All I know for sure is that I would lay awake (and I can remember doing this a few times before we moved in with my grandparents) and watch the shadows on the walls and ceiling from passing cars.  Each shadow seemed scarier and scarier.  I would lay there and refuse to take my eyes from the shadows, sure that the moment I did something would get me.  I don’t know what I was afraid of, but I was terrified.

I wasn’t allowed to watch horror movies.  Even some episodes of Scooby-Do scared me.  Fear was the emotion in charge of me for a long time.

When I would finally pass out, (and this only happened after we moved in with my grandparents) I would wet the bed.  I did that until I was 14.  It stopped the day he died.  But by then, even though I was no longer living with my grandparents, I had myself trained to stay awake as late into the night as possible.  The only way I could sleep before dawn was to play the radio.  The background noise is comforting and the lights on my stereo kept my room from being pitch black.  I still sleep with a television on and the volume down low.

I finally conquered the fears ruling my life.  I think I was about 12 or 13, living with my mother in our own house, and I was sick of being afraid to get out of bed in the dark.  I remember being afraid that something was going to get me from under my bed.  I had visions mostly of snakes striking.  I had started watching some scary movies by then, and they are my favorite kind of movie now.  I think I like them so much because I can laugh at what once scared me and if by some stroke of luck something does manage to scare me it’s only for one brief instant.  I have mastered illogical fears, at least the movie variety.  Anyway, when I was 12 or 13 and tired of being afraid of things that were completely ridiculous, I told myself that if something was going to get me it was going to get me whether I was asleep or awake.  If it was my night to die then there was nothing I could do to stop it and I might as well get some rest.  Of course, being trained to stay up all night had taken its toll.  Sleep did come earlier, 3 or 4 am instead of 6 am.

I don’t often take sleeping pills.  My husband works 3rd shift and if my kids need me, I have to be able to wake up.  And usually I am fairly sensitive to medications.  Even regular tylonal makes me groggy.  So why didn’t the trazadone work last night?  Beats me.

What I do know is that while my body feels rundown and tired, I do not feel sleepy in the least.  And that sucks.