project hate myself less–failure

Pretty sure this was an exercise in futility, although I have learned a few things about myself for better or for worse.

1.  My self-worth is directly proportionate to how others view me.  As much as I tell myself I don’t care what anyone thinks, I’m lying to myself.

2.  My mental health is not so healthy right now as evidenced by anxiety attacks and stress induced chest pains.

3.  My marriage is in trouble and I no longer have the strength or desire to continue fighting for it.  When I’m the one that keeps getting knocked around, I just don’t have it in me to get back up.

4.  I don’t know how to keep the goals I set for myself.  I don’t know how to achieve them.  I don’t think they’re attainable.

5.  I wish I had the courage to end my misery, either with divorce or suicide.  But on both fronts, I am a coward.

Validation VS Diminishment

Serious question for anyone out there reading this.  When you finally find the courage to discuss your struggle, does it make you feel diminished when the person you’re talking to suddenly has all the same problems you do?   In particular when they begin to take over the conversation and what they describe is nothing like what you’re going through. (I guess I’m putting my bias into the question.)  Or does it give you a feeling of camaraderie, like the other person is trying to connect to you?

One more question.  Do you feel validated when you win an argument, even though it doesn’t really change anything?  At what point is it just not worth it?

Project Hate Myself Less–day who knows 

I thought I had been making progress.  It’s year end and quarterly tax filing time at work, so I’ve been extremely busy even though the shop is in the slow season. I have even managed to leave it at work (or only work from home during work hours).  Money has been tight, but I was making it all work.  I had even found something to do that I enjoyed, was productive, and didn’t take me from my family and duties.

Except there was the problem.  I have been sorting and cataloging a trading card game I enjoy collecting and playing.  I have about 3,000 cards so I had a card table and two tv trays set up around my chair in the living room.  Three days.  I was half done, feeling a sense of accomplishment, keeping my mind busy.  The t.v. trays were only up for one evening.  My husband saw them and had a fit.  I was taking up the whole living room (really about a third).  Why didn’t  i take down the Christmas tree first?  How could I just take up the room?  He’d never be able to do that.  He’s not even able to keep his exercise bike in the living room.  (Forget the fact that I took an entire day to make a space that was only a few feet from the living room to store it, and he carries it in every day while he takes over the entire downstairs to exercize.)

I caved to him.  I put all of my stuff away, ruining days of work.  Yes, I’ll fight and argue, some would even say I’m standing up for myself, but I’m not.  He got what he wanted, he won’t be inconvienced.  

Once again, I have nothing.  He says find something out of the house.  Well he has judo Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning when he’s off work and not at a DYD class.  The kids have activities Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  Yes, he helps transport, but it takes both of us to make sure homework is complete, they are fed, and get them to where they need to be.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s me I really hate, or if it’s the me I become in reaction to him.

Project hate myself less–days 3 and 4

So yesterday was a toss up.  We had a reasonably busy day at the shop.  There was a major cancellation due to a client with the flu, but I was able to fill three of the four vacated slots.  Then, I managed to fill today (Saturday) for both my partner and employee.  I had managed to have a talk with my partner and tried to explain my precarious state of mind.  She half listened, half tried to say she was going through it too.  I was insistent.  I explained our weekend plans and that I would be completely unreachable until Sunday evening.  She panicked at that, but I held my ground.  I felt pretty good about all of that.  Until…toward the end of the day, our employee called off for Saturday.  I won’t get into all of the issues with this here, but I now I have to start tracking her call offs because this is becoming a habit.  My partner could not handle all the scheduled clients herself, so I was stuck rescheduling several people, fingers crossed that they didn’t cancel altogether. I did not cave, though, and cancel my family’s weekend plan. After getting home, my husband tried to rush me around, but I did my rushing the day before.
As soon as we got to our cabin, I felt like this immense weight had been lifted.  That feeling remains today.  It’s another world away from phones and internet.  I can’t even post this until I get home.  The freedom from everyone and their problems feels amazing.

Project Hate Myself Less–day 4

Yeah, so as good as it was to relax and do pretty much nothing today, I consider the whole day a failure.

My daughter told me she submitted a poem to the school literary magazine–a poem about me.  She said she was mad when she wrote it.  It’s all about how I grieved for the child I lost and how I nearly lost her brother.  She said she talked about how it would have killed me, because she wasn’t good enough.  She asked me what I thought about that.  I told her she was the only thing that kept me going through all that pain and grief.  Doesn’t matter what I say, or what I have done, she wants to hate me.

I get it, I really do.  She’s 14.  She’s pulling away from me.  She thinks she needs to hate me, she wants to hate me.  I refuse to let her grow up too fast, to get into situations that will cause her suffering she isn’t ready to handle.  I get it.  She’s 14.  She doesn’t see the possible outcomes and consequences of her choices.  She wants to do what she wants to do.  Just because I understand doesn’t make it hurt any less.

How can I hate myself less when the child I have given every part of me hates me half the time?

I’m not okay.

That was a quick rise and a quick fall.  I’m in the beginning stages of an anxiety attack.  I can feel it.  Overwhelmed, crawling skin, racing thoughts. At least I know what triggered it, but how do I stop it?

Fight withmy husband.  Planning a getaway for the weekend.  He got mad when I asked if he would stay home from judo tonight to help me prepare for this trip.  Lots to be done.  I won the argument by making several key points, but it doesn’t matter.  I shouldn’t have to fight with him to put effort into something we are all doing.  I shouldn’t have to fight because I spent the morning for myself instead of preparing for our weekend.  But I did.  And I won.  And lost.  

Why bother?

Project Hate Myself Less-Day Two

I don’t know if it was writing all my thoughts and feelings out or just the act of acknowledging how I feel about myself and taking responsibility for changing it, but something is different.

Last night I was able to work with both of my children on homework, and do so with patience.  There was no yelling, and only manageable frustration.  Compared to the day before, this was amazing.  I hope it’s a change I can maintain, as it’s probably one of the most important things to me, but I’m just going to take it day by day.

I still drank way too much soda.  I feel like I’m subsiding on nicotine and caffeine.  You’d think I’d be thinner.  I only ate one meal, dinner.  I had a burger and some cheesy rice.  I watched portions, but I was satisfied.  I didn’t snack later.  I know one meal per day is not a healthy diet, but it’s probably one of the most difficult things for me to change.  If I get busy, the first thing that goes is my meal time.  You’d really think I’d be thinner.

Sleep.  Probably one of the biggest issues for anyone with bipolar disorder.  Yes, we can function on less sleep, but it’s much more harmful to  us than to a normal person who just gets tired and rundown.  Lack of sleep actually affects our mental state.  I have been sleeping about two – three hours at night and catching a one – two hour nap right after work (I only work until 1 -2 PM).  I did nap yesterday, from about 2 – 4.  However, last night I fell asleep at 9:30.  My son was already in bed, my husband had left for work.  My daughter, bless her, just took herself to bed and didn’t wake me.  I slept the entire night until nearly 8 AM.  My husband took my daughter to school at 7 so that I could sleep a little later.

I’m off work today, so I should be doing laundry, cleaning the house, and starting early prep for dinner as it’s a busy activity night with both dance and judo.  However, I think I’m going to take some time for myself and maybe play a video game or watch a program or read a book.  Maybe I’ll watch a program and color something from one my adult coloring books.  So many options and the housework will still be there later.

I need to figure out how I can increase my activity level.  I’ve never been one to exercise much, going to the gym is out of the question.  I used to dance, and I absolutely loved my ballet and jazz classes.  Unfortunately, the studio I went to discontinued adult classes because of lack of interest.  I don’t know if I have the willpower to do anything at home on my own.  I guess time will tell, once I figure out how I’m going to accomplish this goal.

As all things, the first couple of days are the easiest.  I’m not holding my breath that things will continue with this level of positivity and success.  For anyone wondering, this is not a New Year’s resolution or anything like that.  I need to make permanent life changes that have nothing to do with vowing to be a better person because we had to remove one calendar and put up a new one.  I think that’s silly.  If we see something that we need to change in ourselves, it shouldn’t require a calendar to get us started.  Personal responsibility is a year-round thing.